Second Floor: Hardware, Children's Wear, Ladies Lingerie

Every day, millions of people across the globe step in to an elevator. If I had to guess, I'd say less than half know what to do after stepping in. The pressure of locating the correct button for the floor you want is overwhelming to most and it instantly creates an awkwardness that is felt by everyone. 

Don't get me wrong, I realize how unnerving it is to step in to an elevator with which you're unfamiliar. First you have to decide how you're going to react if the doors open and there are people already there (smile? grimace? completely ignore them?). Then you quickly profile to see who is the least offensive to stand next to for the duration of your ride. But you also have to factor in where the buttons are - and this is where it starts to get tricky. If they are only on one side of the door, and someone is already standing in front of them, you have to somehow gain access and then make your selection while everyone looks on. But then you also have to make a split second decision about where to stand after you select your floor. And most people screw this up. It's eerily similar to the concept of urinal/stall separation in that there are social protocols to be followed. 

For example, if someone is standing in the SE corner of the elevator, you should choose the SW or the NW corner, never the NE. The same side should only be chosen if all other corners are already taken. And if all corners are already taken, then remain in the middle until someone gets on after you. Only at that point should you move to the middle spot along an outside edge. And the process should continue in this logical fashion until the elevator is full. 

The second half to this equation is movement as people reach their destination. For years, I've tried to understand why people don't spread back out as the elevator empties. If there is a vacated corner, don't be afraid to move if you're now on a first name basis with your neighbor's dandruff. Trust me, you won't personally offend them by moving away because they're probably going to think you're creepy if you don't. 

Respect everyone's personal space. 

Speaking of respect, if I happen to be standing in front of the panel of buttons don't just stand there with the expectation that I am going to hit the button for the floor you need. I am not a mind reader nor your personal elevator attendant. I will only help old people or someone whose hands are full. Everyone else is on their own. 

A few other protocols to always follow in an elevator:

- DO NOT FART because either your fellow passengers will choke to death or the person who gets in as you leave will not only have to endure the stench but will have to suffer through the embarrassment that everyone else after that will think it was them. 

- Avoid using your phone. Most likely the call will be cut off anyway, and your fellow passengers don't want/need to hear both sides of your conversation. 

- Be a covert spectator.

- Only going to/coming from the 2nd or 3rd floor? Take the stairs. Seriously.