No Ass Pie

I realize that air freshener is sometimes necessary. And in the past two decades there have been definite improvements in the air freshener industry. What I don't understand, though, is why some of the most popular scents are associated with food: Apple Orchard, Spicy Cinnamon, Harvest Pumpkin, Tart Tangerine, Apple Pie...  Who was the genius that had an epiphany one day and said "Eureka! I know how to cover up the smell of shit - I shall make the bathroom smell like apple strudel and cinnamon rolls!!"? I just don't get it. The last thing I want is to smell apple pie and immediately think of the shitter.

Random Observation on Life

Looking at other people's oatmeal is gross.

Can I Sue for Discrimination?

In the mail today I received a handwritten letter from an airline (it rhymes with Schmu S Airlines) telling me I was eligible for 2 round trip tickets. Knowing full well there was a catch, I called anyway.

Stephanie in Customer Service gave me the speech about a new travel agency in Denver and they're running a promotion: if you agree to go and tour their office and listen to their pitch you get two tickets, and then hopefully you'll tell your friends and family about them. Given the price of airfare, I figured that's relatively painless for two tickets. Then Stephanie says she has to ask a few prelim questions. Here's the conversation: "Are you single or married?" "Single." "Do you have a significant other that lives with you?" "No." Uncomfortable pause. "Oh, well this is only a promotion for couples. So I can keep you on the list if another offer more suited to you comes up."

Are you fucking kidding me??????????

I have a great sense of humor, but this is getting ridiculous.

Hey Stephanie, while you're at it, why don't you just give me a cut and pour lemon juice in it?!

Ahhhh, the single life!

Several years ago, I ventured into the world of online dating. I thought it would be interesting and maybe I'd actually meet someone. Until I realized the first person to view my profile was (I swear I am not making this up) a gentleman named Cletus. Whatever you're picturing - that's what he looked like. Yep, a real confidence booster.

Since then, I've tried eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, and now have a profile on Match.com. To date, 176 men have viewed my Match profile, more than a few of whom are in their 50's/60's. To say that horrifies me is an understatement. And the things that some guys in my age range actually put on their profile is enough to make me want to stay single. You're a 'soul shepherd'? What the hell does that even mean?! Oh wait, you probably work at the Ganja Gourmet 'shop', right? At least you're employed...?

But my favorite, by far, is a 35 year old whose picture is so bad you can't tell if it's his really unattractive mom, or if he's battling with the decision to have the surgery. And the first line of his blurb is (again, not making this up) "My grils need a mommy. I am still bitter, but after a year I am moving on and talk about IT a lot less." First of all, sign me up. Second of all, does your computer come equipped with spell check? Because I'm just not ready to be a mommy to your grils.

Please, try to contain your jealousy.

It's an epidemic!

Three and a half weeks at the new job and I've been stall violated twice. There are 6 (yes, six!) stalls and both times I was the only one in the bathroom. What is this, the Minneapolis-St Paul airport? Because if someone starts giving under the stall hand signals, I'll start wearing adult diapers.


And ladies, why do some of you insist on bringing paperwork into the ladies room? Don't you remember the Seinfeld episode where George had to buy the book he took into the crapper? Because no one wants to touch what you carry out of the bathroom. Stop. Seriously. It creeps me out.

These Ones

It's like nails on a chalkboard. And I seem to encounter more and more people saying "these ones" or "those ones". Have English grammar rules changed and I didn't get the memo? Because last time I checked, "these" and "those" are already plural.

I am officially adding "these ones" to join "moist" and "sleeve" on the list of words I can't stand.

(And I would like to thank my Mom and Dad for always correcting our grammar so we wouldn't go out into the world sounding completely ignorant)

Surviving Costco

Why is it that some people walk into Costco and instantly go stupid? Is grabbing a shopping cart and moving into the store that confusing? Please do not grab your cart and then stop so you can pull out your shopping list, answer your phone, or rearrange your purse.

I realize that a lot of people go there to browse and get free samples (I'm not judging - I'm all about the free food). But can you please work with those of us who are there with a purpose? Instead of cruising down the middle of the main aisle, pick a side and let me pass into oncoming traffic - I'll take my chances. And if you're going to stop for a sample, take the food and move to an out of the way place to eat it. If you like it, you can go back to get a box of it.

If you really feel obligated to make small talk with the person serving the samples in order to feel less guilty about the fact that you have no intention of buying that item, then go ahead. But don't give me a dirty look when I ask you to move or attempt to run you over with my cart. Yes, you have a right to try the food and ask questions. Just like I have the right to actually go for the things on my list and leave in less than 3 hours.

(Disclaimer - these rules do not apply to Costco virgins or old people)

Three things that never belong in a bathroom...

1. Food
2. Beverage
3. Your cell phone

It's amazing the things you can hear in the background when you're on the phone with someone. So I really don't understand why anyone would ever feel the need to use the facilities while on the phone. Think about it - when was the last time you were having a conversation that was so important it couldn't wait 2 minutes while you peed? I personally think it's much less rude to interrupt someone and ask if you can call them back than to take care of business and subject them to sounds that no one wants to hear!

A couple of days ago at work, I was in the bathroom and one of my co-workers came in specifically to make a phone call. I was horrified. Who does that?! Go to the lobby of the building, or to one of the conference rooms, but dear God don't walk into the bathroom and start dialing. That's just unnecessary pressure on the people who are already in there.

Make a 'No Phone Zone' pledge and keep your phone out of the bathroom. Because I'll hang up on you if I start hearing weird noises.

Can you locate your gas pedal?

I'm not a mechanic. And I don't manufacture cars. But I'm relatively certain that most cars come equipped with a gas pedal. Do you know where yours is?

If you're unsure, I urge you to take a few minutes to get acquainted with it. Because familiarizing yourself with it at 7:05am on a Tuesday, IN THE LEFT LANE, is not going to end well for you.

I know that most people classify that as 'road rage'. And my mother would say its 'aggressive'. But I like to call it "Assertive Driving". If your rear view mirror makes it appear that the front of my car is actually in your back seat, that just means I'm asserting myself and making my presence known. If I were also making hand gestures, that would be 'aggressive'. (kind of sounds like I'm trying to justify driving like an asshole, doesn't it?)

I know there are a lot of Rules of the Road to remember. So keep it simple and remember this: the left lane is the fast lane. It's not up to you to determine my speed limit in the left lane. The left lane is the FAST LANE. Put down your cell phone and drive.

And if you forget these simple rules, don't worry - I'll be behind you, asserting myself.

Personal Grooming at Work

I think most people would agree that Monday mornings are rough. So imagine my surprise and delight this morning when I got to my desk, settled in with a much needed cup of coffee, and was greeted with the distinct sound of nail clippers. That's right folks, the SVP of Liquidation was in his office clipping his nails at 7am.

Barf.

When did it become ok to do this in public?! Oh that's right - it never has!!!! And the worst part is that he had ALL WEEKEND and waited until first thing Monday morning. They say nail clipping is the gateway to hard core public manscaping. Next thing you know he'll be busting out a nose hair trimmer, or heating up wax in a little glass jar.

Seriously people, do that shit at home. And even then, close the door. The sound of nail clippers is nauseating.

Ladies, please!

I admit it - I have bathroom stage fright. And it's even worse when I know specifically who is in or near the bathroom. I'm not entirely sure how or when this problem developed (though I'd bet $20 my sisters have some theories), but it's caused numerous encounters that have scarred me for life. Encounters that could have easily been avoided if women would err on the side of caution and assume EVERYONE has bathroom stage fright.

For example: I'm relatively certain that if you ask any man the #1 rule of public bathrooms, they would say "urinal separation". So how is it that so many women do not understand the concept of 'stall separation'? I'm so tired of being in a bathroom with multiple stalls and some yahoo goes into the stall right next to mine. If that's the only available one, I get it. But if there are several available, could you leave a little room between us?! Is that too much to ask? Jesus, even my cats understand this concept. C'mon ladies.

And if you ask any man for the second rule of public bathrooms, he will undoubtedly say "No talking". Pretty sure that most women can't even comprehend what "No talking" means. It means just that ladies - no talking. Silencio. Shut it. A public bathroom is not a meeting place to discuss your weekend. It's not a place to catch up on office gossip. And it's most certainly NOT a place to use your cell phone (more to come on this later). Go in there, do what you need to do, wash your hands (please), and leave. It really is that simple.