Since I couldn't make her feel better by sharing my epic gym fail, I'm sharing it with the world:
I was in the weight room and sat down at a leg machine like this one.
I was about half way through my first set and thought I felt something rip. I couldn't hear it because I had my earbuds in with the music cranked up, so I wasn't entirely sure what had happened. Naturally, I kept going with the rest of the set. Senses heightened, I started to feel a slightly cool sensation on my nether regions and thought "well this can't be good".
I did two more sets to make it seem like everything was fine (and as a stalling tactic so I could figure out what I was going to do). Finally, the moment of truth was upon me. I stood up quickly and, with sweet ninja-like moves, got to a nearby machine which happened to be right in front of a mirror. But it's not as easy as you think to inconspicuously look at your ass in a room full of people.
Unable to assess the situation within a non-creepy 10 seconds, I had to sit down and do a couple sets on this weird arm machine that I didn't know how to use. Fantastic. The best part? I was directly facing a man doing this:
Whatever was going on at crotch level, he had a million dollar view. Awesome.
The time came when I couldn't stall any longer. I had to stand up. With a nod to Mr. Don't Look at My Junk, I stood up like nothing was wrong, grabbed my water bottle and keys, and walked out of the weight room.
I instantly knew what had happened - I had ripped my pants from the crotch all the way up the ass. They had no lining, and I was wearing a thong. The cool breeze felt like a blizzard.
The cherry on top? I had to walk all the way through the packed Cardio Room and then down the length of the basketball court, where former Bronco Champ Bailey was watching his kid play in a summer league.
I canceled my membership a few days later, because there's no coming back from that.
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