Use Caution When Opening the Following Link

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. For those still looking for the perfect gift, this might just do the trick:

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/edible-chocolate-anus

(As fair warning to anyone who is easily offended, please remember that what you are about to see cannot be unseen. There isn't enough bleach in the world to remove the image from your brain.)

Eight Down, One Hundred Eighty Eight To Go

There are 196 Countries in the world (yes, I had to Google that). 

And I've had people from 8 of those countries read my blog: Venezuela, United States, Germany, France, Poland, Russia, United Kingdom, and Turkey. 


Technology is amazing. Look out world, here I come! 


Who will be next? My money is on Australia. (What can I say? I'm a sucker for the accent!)

It Can't be THAT Humiliating...

A few years ago, my sister got Wii Zumba for Christmas. She promptly changed into the appropriate attire (even donning the headband that came with the disc), poured a glass of wine, and we all went into my parent's basement to try it out. 

Holy shit. 

I honestly have never laughed that hard. Ever. 

A few weeks ago, I decided to try the Zumba classes offered at the gym I recently joined. After strapping myself in (those who know me know what I mean), I walked into the studio where classes are held. I was terrified, but I was determined to do it. Thankfully, I secured a spot in the back of the class. Not only did I not want to see myself shakin'/movin'/groovin', I sure as hell didn't want anyone else subject to that. 

The instructor walked in and, of course, she was gorgeous. She had on these cute little pink pants that made her ass look perfect. Bitch. 

The music started and off we went. I was so focused on mimicking what the instructor did that I wasn't even aware of the wall of mirrors we all faced. Until about 10 minutes in. And then I caught a glimpse of myself. 

I can recall only one other time in my life when I wanted to shrink away into absolute nothingness, and that was when I split my pants open in the weight room at another gym. 

So there I was, trying to do my best latin dance impression while NOT looking in the mirror. But you can't look away from a train wreck. So I laughed and danced my way through the rest of the hour. I even went back the following week. And I intend to keep going. 

J Lo and Beyonce - you've been warned!!!

Tinder 2.0: Shit Just Got Real

I had to break up with Tinder. I just couldn't handle the freaks anymore. 

Then, while waiting for a set change at a concert in September, my friend convinced me to download the app again so we could 'play'. 

I haven't decided how to repay her. Yet. 

When I mentioned that having a selection of men like this was the equivalent of winning the lottery, her response was "Yeah, the Serial Killer Lottery!" And then I laughed so hard I choked on my drink. 

Merhaba Türkiye

Turns out I have quite a following in Turkey. 

Which is ironic because I'm a vegetarian. 



(Yes, that was a total groaner. And yes, I'm still laughing)

My Lawn Mower Has a First Name, it's S-N-A-K-E

My lawn mower has a second name, it's K-I-L-L-E-R...........

You know that startlingly awful sound the garbage disposal makes when a spoon or a fork slips in by accident? Interestingly, that's the exact sound a lawn mower makes when it runs over a snake. 

I know, because I've done it. More than once. 

When it happened the other day, I was horrified because that poor little snake was just out for a slither, seeing what tasty morsel might be in the neighborhood and then BAM!!!!....chopped in half.  

After I was past the shock of such a violent murder I realized two things:

1. The head was still moving and 

2. I only had a vague idea of where the rest of the body wound up

While I forced myself to look for parts, I noticed the head was still moving. A lot. I was completely grossed out. Poor little snake.  

What the Shark?!

Sharknado was beyond words. Sharknado 2 is beyond comprehension. 

If you thought watching the first movie was rough, watching Sharknado 2 is like chewing on crushed glass - it hurts like hell and nothing good will come of it. 

The cast is a Who's Who of craptastic actors, singers, and MTV VJ's. I'm pretty sure the only person who doesn't have a cameo is Nicholas Cage. Seriously, how is he not in this movie?!?!

Yet here I sit, tasty beverage in hand, watching what is sure to become a cult classic. I even made up my own drinking game in an effort to cope with what I fear will become the worst Trilogy ever made. It's a really simple game: every time Ian Ziering (whose name is Fin, by the way) looks concerned or confused, you have to drink. If you manage to make it to the end of the movie without blacking out, I salute you. 

(And for those of you with an irrational fear of sharks, just remember that a Sharknado isn't impossible, just very unlikely. So if you live in the Tri-State area, you should probably get a chainsaw) 

Happy (Insert Day of the Week)

This is an honest question: 

When someone says to me "Happy Monday!" or "Happy Friday!" what are they expecting me to say in return? 

Because 98% of the time, it's someone at work who is overly perky when they utter the phrase and punching a co-worker in the throat is frowned upon by HR. 

"Happy Monday" - Last time I checked, most people would rather drink bleach than go to work on Monday. Hearing you bubble "Happy Monday!" is enough to push anyone over the edge. If you're one of these annoying Happy Monday people, you've been warned.

"Happy Tuesday" - you've never heard it because no one has ever uttered it. 

"Happy Hump Day" - it's not the Hump Day part of it that bothers me. I think we really need to revisit your definition of the word 'Happy'. 

"Happy Friday's Eve" - I am sitting on my hands so I don't take a swing at you. Yes, tomorrow is Friday. And the day after that is Saturday. Snaps for you for knowing the days of the week. Do you want a cookie? 

"Happy Friday" - wow, we all made it to the end of the week and I didn't actually assault you. I guess that is something to be happy about! 



ps. I hate the word 'Insert'

Wanna Play Tinder?

*Mom and Dad - some of the things you are about to see cannot be unseen*

About a year ago, a friend introduced me to a free dating app called "Tinder". In my quest to find the perfect cabana boy, I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a try so I set up a very basic profile. There was only one problem: it said that I was 12 years old. After several attempts to fix it, I had to give up and delete the app because, well, that's just creepy.

Fast forward about 4 months. Another friend was obsessed with Tinder and mandated that I try it again. Begrudgingly, I agreed. Turns out it might have been one of the best decisions I ever made - if only for the entertainment it has provided. 

For those who aren't familiar with the app, it's very simple. You choose your parameters (gender, age, distance) and it brings up everyone that matches the criteria. If you like them, you click the green heart button. If you don't like them, you click the red X button. If you like them and they like you, you are matched and can begin chatting if desired. 

(One quick side note - almost all of the pictures that I'm posting on here got the red X from me. Some I couldn't get away from fast enough!)

So as I'm getting further into the Tinder-verse, I come to find out it's known as the 'hook up' app. Fabulous. Just what I need. And then I came across this guy. And I was so confused!

I'm not sure which is more horrifying - the picture, the fact that he's very married and on a dating site, or that he felt the world needed to know his wife has one functioning tube and an IUD. Seriously, what is wrong with people?!

On your Tinder profile, you're allowed one main picture and 5 additional pictures. This guy  put on a fashion show in his pics. (And I'm only showing 3 here because the rest will scar you for life)

But wait!!!! There's more!!! I got this message from someone I matched with. I was speechless. Literally. 

As I mentioned earlier, you select the gender with which you want to potentially match. Unfortunately, there's not a way to let the app know you're not a gay man looking for other gay men.  So then this happens...

I felt guilty keeping this much fun all to myself, so I convinced a few friends to join as well. I'd like to think they're thanking me for it. Otherwise, they'd be missing out on this: 

And this...

Urf. 

At the end of the day, it's been a priceless education (in what, I'm not sure yet). I haven't found the perfect cabana boy, but that hasn't deterred me. Maybe it's this guy?

The More You Know...

Here's a PSA, from me to you - because I love and care about every one of you so much!!!!!! 

                     

         (You'll have to imagine inspirational music playing in the background)

Turn lanes are the same width as regular traffic lanes! 

And sometimes, they're even wider!

This means you can fit your entire vehicle into a turn lane without interrupting anyone else. 

Go on, give it a try. 
I'll be glad you did! 

Now you know.