In the eyes of a child, Mothers are innocent, omniscient, and angelic(ish). When the child becomes an adult, those views change slightly as their relationship with her evolves into one of friendship. As with every friendship, there are bound to be uncomfortable conversations from time to time. And by 'uncomfortable' I mean 'horrifyingly embarrassing'...
When I was in college, my parents lived in Europe for several years. When my Dad wasn't working, they would travel to explore every nook and cranny they could find. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and they weren't going to waste it! Because of the 7 hour time difference, they would usually call us every two weeks to say hi and see how we were (though we all knew they also wanted to make sure the house was still standing and that no one was in jail). Since they were traveling, they would often call from their cell phone - a GSM. Every time they called, she told us where they were and that they were calling from the GSM (this was the 90s when cell phones were still a novelty). But she didn't say the letters G.S.M. She said 'Jizzm'. As in Jizz. With an M. Thankfully, one of my sisters eventually had the balls (pardon the pun) to tell her what jizz is.
Soon after that, they gave us a trip to Egypt for Christmas. Sound decadent? It was. We started in Cairo and toured the Sphinx and the Pyramids of Giza (even went inside the Second Great Pyramid), and then boarded a boat for a few days' cruise along the Nile. Our guide told us one of the greatest dangers for the villagers, who would come to the river bank for any number of daily tasks, was crocodiles. When we were talking about that later, my mom said "Can you imagine having to beat off crocodiles all the time?" After we regained our composure, we explained to her what "beating off" meant.
Another one happened at a most unexpected time. One of the party favors at my sister's bridal shower was a small bottle of champagne with a bow tied around it. The bow was made from a crinoline-type material which got slightly crushed in transit. As we were setting up the tables, my mom was taking each bottle of champagne and re-working the smashed bows. When I asked what she was doing she very proudly said, "I'm just fluffing up the bows so they look nice. I guess you could say I'm the 'Head Fluffer'!" In a split-second that seemed to last a lifetime, I quickly assessed who else had heard what she said and if they were likely to know and/or be offended. I looked at her pointedly and asked quietly if she knew what a Fluffer was. By the look on her face, she had no idea. Thankfully, the only other person who had heard was my youngest cousin. When I asked her if she knew what it was, she laughed and said "Yes". At this point I wasn't sure which was more horrifying - that my barely-old-enough-to-drink cousin actually knew what it was, or that I had to explain it to my mom. There was no turning back so I said, "Mom, a Fluffer is someone on the set of a porn movie who keeps the actors 'ready'." Cue mortification.
I'm exceedingly grateful the next one happened in the privacy of my parent's basement, where she and I were making boutonnieres for another wedding. I was responsible for wrapping the stems together in floral tape and then she would put the pin in the back. It would have been a very effective two-person assembly line had she not said, "We'll just double team them and get it done fast." She instantly knew the look on my face and asked what she had said wrong. As I deliberated about how to explain it to her, she told me I HAD to tell her so she wouldn't unknowingly/accidentally/embarrassingly use it in public. Realizing I had to do it quick like a band-aid, I shook my head and said, "It's when two guys have sex with one woman at the same time." There was a slight pause as I prayed for instantaneous death. We both turned bright red and started laughing hysterically, and I immediately went upstairs to get another drink.
And finally, one rainy afternoon in Mexico we were playing cards and my sister asked her something. Mom replied, "T'aint a problem!" My sisters and I instantly started howling with laughter, which made my dad laugh uncontrollably, too. Since I was a few drinks in and sensed that neither of my sisters was going to cough it up, I explained it's the part of a man between the balls and the asshole. I laughed so hard I went in to the Ugly Cry.
While my mom is still all the things she was to me as a child, it's been funny as hell to reverse roles and teach her a thing or two. Looking forward to the next one Mom!
*** I have to give props to my dad who, having fathered three girls, has maintained his sense of humor and learned to laugh with us ***
