Three things that never belong in a bathroom...

1. Food
2. Beverage
3. Your cell phone

It's amazing the things you can hear in the background when you're on the phone with someone. So I really don't understand why anyone would ever feel the need to use the facilities while on the phone. Think about it - when was the last time you were having a conversation that was so important it couldn't wait 2 minutes while you peed? I personally think it's much less rude to interrupt someone and ask if you can call them back than to take care of business and subject them to sounds that no one wants to hear!

A couple of days ago at work, I was in the bathroom and one of my co-workers came in specifically to make a phone call. I was horrified. Who does that?! Go to the lobby of the building, or to one of the conference rooms, but dear God don't walk into the bathroom and start dialing. That's just unnecessary pressure on the people who are already in there.

Make a 'No Phone Zone' pledge and keep your phone out of the bathroom. Because I'll hang up on you if I start hearing weird noises.

Can you locate your gas pedal?

I'm not a mechanic. And I don't manufacture cars. But I'm relatively certain that most cars come equipped with a gas pedal. Do you know where yours is?

If you're unsure, I urge you to take a few minutes to get acquainted with it. Because familiarizing yourself with it at 7:05am on a Tuesday, IN THE LEFT LANE, is not going to end well for you.

I know that most people classify that as 'road rage'. And my mother would say its 'aggressive'. But I like to call it "Assertive Driving". If your rear view mirror makes it appear that the front of my car is actually in your back seat, that just means I'm asserting myself and making my presence known. If I were also making hand gestures, that would be 'aggressive'. (kind of sounds like I'm trying to justify driving like an asshole, doesn't it?)

I know there are a lot of Rules of the Road to remember. So keep it simple and remember this: the left lane is the fast lane. It's not up to you to determine my speed limit in the left lane. The left lane is the FAST LANE. Put down your cell phone and drive.

And if you forget these simple rules, don't worry - I'll be behind you, asserting myself.

Personal Grooming at Work

I think most people would agree that Monday mornings are rough. So imagine my surprise and delight this morning when I got to my desk, settled in with a much needed cup of coffee, and was greeted with the distinct sound of nail clippers. That's right folks, the SVP of Liquidation was in his office clipping his nails at 7am.

Barf.

When did it become ok to do this in public?! Oh that's right - it never has!!!! And the worst part is that he had ALL WEEKEND and waited until first thing Monday morning. They say nail clipping is the gateway to hard core public manscaping. Next thing you know he'll be busting out a nose hair trimmer, or heating up wax in a little glass jar.

Seriously people, do that shit at home. And even then, close the door. The sound of nail clippers is nauseating.

Ladies, please!

I admit it - I have bathroom stage fright. And it's even worse when I know specifically who is in or near the bathroom. I'm not entirely sure how or when this problem developed (though I'd bet $20 my sisters have some theories), but it's caused numerous encounters that have scarred me for life. Encounters that could have easily been avoided if women would err on the side of caution and assume EVERYONE has bathroom stage fright.

For example: I'm relatively certain that if you ask any man the #1 rule of public bathrooms, they would say "urinal separation". So how is it that so many women do not understand the concept of 'stall separation'? I'm so tired of being in a bathroom with multiple stalls and some yahoo goes into the stall right next to mine. If that's the only available one, I get it. But if there are several available, could you leave a little room between us?! Is that too much to ask? Jesus, even my cats understand this concept. C'mon ladies.

And if you ask any man for the second rule of public bathrooms, he will undoubtedly say "No talking". Pretty sure that most women can't even comprehend what "No talking" means. It means just that ladies - no talking. Silencio. Shut it. A public bathroom is not a meeting place to discuss your weekend. It's not a place to catch up on office gossip. And it's most certainly NOT a place to use your cell phone (more to come on this later). Go in there, do what you need to do, wash your hands (please), and leave. It really is that simple.