You Did What?! O.M.G.

The other night I was having dinner with some friends and we got to reminiscing about one friend's hysterical mishaps in life. She is the poster child for "Why does this happen to me?". One of my favorite stories goes like this:

She had to get a drug test for a new job she was starting. She was already running late when she realized she had to poop and, unfortunately, the testing facility was in an industrial part of town - there was nowhere to stop first. So she gets to the appointment and goes into the bathroom to pee in the cup. And without intending to, leaves a not-so-little bonus prize. Knowing she couldn't flush the toilet, she panicked and didn't know what to do. So she walked out of the bathroom and told the woman conducting the test, "Sorry, I guess my morning coffee kicked in."

Classic.

It's like watching a horror movie, waiting for the scary clown to jump out of the closet

I've really come to dread that split second of required mental preparation as I push open a public bathroom stall door. Because let's be honest - you really have no idea what you might encounter.

Testing. Testing, One Two. Is this thing on????

I would like to reiterate some extremely important points which were made previously in this blog.

1 - The only thing you should ever take into the bathroom is yourself. No food. No drinks. No Phone.

Let me repeat that - No Phone. Ever.

I'm feeling kinda feisty in my old age, and I just might make an example of someone the next time it happens. Watch out.

2 - The left lane is the fast lane. It's not up to you to set my speed in the left lane - let the cops take care of that. If I'm up your ass, just move over. Problem solved.

Bob Ross - Painter, Teacher, and Motivational Speaker

Let's Pretend We're in the Witness Protection Program

I firmly believe that anonymity in the bathroom is essential. Here's why:

Let's say I'm in there and someone else is a couple stalls down, doing what can only be described as nuclear weapons testing. While I'm battling my stage fright and horror, that person heads to the sink. As she's washing her hands, someone she knows walks in and says "Hi Betty, how are you?" Not only have I been scarred for life, now I know who to thank for that. I will never look at Betty the same. Ever.

I would rather no exchange at all, but if you must acknowledge someone, keep it at "Hi." Or wave.

Parents Say the Darndest Things

I acknowledge that I will likely offend some people with this post, so if you're a parent that talks about your child incessantly, you may want to stop reading right now.

I don't have kids yet, so admittedly I can't relate to the immense pride parents have in their kid(s). But I do know the feeling of being a co-worker to people who are genuinely incapable of talking about anything except their children.

Unless you're a close friend, I gotta tell you I sincerely do not care about your kids, your personal life, your marriage woes, your kid's marriage woes, or what you did over the weekend. And I'm not sure why you think I do care, because I DIDN'T ASK YOU. Nope, you just volunteered your entire life story and I have no choice but to listen to you ramble on about Junior's struggles in school and the detailed conversations you've had about it with his teachers, guidance counselors, pastor, and dog.

Here's what baffles me the most - when you're rambling on incessantly about your daughter's boyfriend's family issues and I'm looking at my computer screen and furiously typing, I'm not sure how you think that I'm even the tiniest bit interested. What about that says "Yes, tell me more!"?

To all of the over-sharers out there: please do not mistake my obligatory feigned interest for genuine must-have-every-little-morsel-of-information interest. I promise you, it really is impossible for me to care less. 

No Ass Pie

I realize that air freshener is sometimes necessary. And in the past two decades there have been definite improvements in the air freshener industry. What I don't understand, though, is why some of the most popular scents are associated with food: Apple Orchard, Spicy Cinnamon, Harvest Pumpkin, Tart Tangerine, Apple Pie...  Who was the genius that had an epiphany one day and said "Eureka! I know how to cover up the smell of shit - I shall make the bathroom smell like apple strudel and cinnamon rolls!!"? I just don't get it. The last thing I want is to smell apple pie and immediately think of the shitter.

Random Observation on Life

Looking at other people's oatmeal is gross.

Can I Sue for Discrimination?

In the mail today I received a handwritten letter from an airline (it rhymes with Schmu S Airlines) telling me I was eligible for 2 round trip tickets. Knowing full well there was a catch, I called anyway.

Stephanie in Customer Service gave me the speech about a new travel agency in Denver and they're running a promotion: if you agree to go and tour their office and listen to their pitch you get two tickets, and then hopefully you'll tell your friends and family about them. Given the price of airfare, I figured that's relatively painless for two tickets. Then Stephanie says she has to ask a few prelim questions. Here's the conversation: "Are you single or married?" "Single." "Do you have a significant other that lives with you?" "No." Uncomfortable pause. "Oh, well this is only a promotion for couples. So I can keep you on the list if another offer more suited to you comes up."

Are you fucking kidding me??????????

I have a great sense of humor, but this is getting ridiculous.

Hey Stephanie, while you're at it, why don't you just give me a cut and pour lemon juice in it?!

Ahhhh, the single life!

Several years ago, I ventured into the world of online dating. I thought it would be interesting and maybe I'd actually meet someone. Until I realized the first person to view my profile was (I swear I am not making this up) a gentleman named Cletus. Whatever you're picturing - that's what he looked like. Yep, a real confidence booster.

Since then, I've tried eHarmony, Plenty of Fish, and now have a profile on Match.com. To date, 176 men have viewed my Match profile, more than a few of whom are in their 50's/60's. To say that horrifies me is an understatement. And the things that some guys in my age range actually put on their profile is enough to make me want to stay single. You're a 'soul shepherd'? What the hell does that even mean?! Oh wait, you probably work at the Ganja Gourmet 'shop', right? At least you're employed...?

But my favorite, by far, is a 35 year old whose picture is so bad you can't tell if it's his really unattractive mom, or if he's battling with the decision to have the surgery. And the first line of his blurb is (again, not making this up) "My grils need a mommy. I am still bitter, but after a year I am moving on and talk about IT a lot less." First of all, sign me up. Second of all, does your computer come equipped with spell check? Because I'm just not ready to be a mommy to your grils.

Please, try to contain your jealousy.