Глобальное господство

People in Russia read this blog. I also have readers in Alaska. Who knew?

Two steps closer to global domination.

Oh No She Didn't!!!

Someone recently told me about a uniquely horrifying experience she had and I just have to share because it's so unbelievable. This is what happened:

She was in the bathroom at work, headed to the sink. There was a woman in another stall having, shall we say, "issues". And in order to mask the noise of said "issues", the woman started singing gospel songs.

I have several thoughts on this.

First - WTF?

Second - Why didn't she just employ the courtesy flush?

Third - Can you really sing and shit at the same time? I should probably be impressed with such a talent, but honestly I'm just mortified.

Fourth - What is the appropriate protocol in that situation? Run like hell? Pretend nothing is happening? Sing along?

Fifth -  Wouldn't beatboxing or some kind of rap music be more effective at disguising that?

Sixth - Would Jesus be offended that you used gospel music in such a disgraceful way?

Schmu S Airlines - Grab Your Knot!!!

In May 2012 I wrote about a promotional offer I received from an airline, where I was turned down from redeeming that offer because I was single. That was almost a year ago.

In the mail yesterday I received an urgent letter from said airline - reminding me to redeem the promo and get my 2 free tickets.

Seeing as I'm still single, that could be a little difficult. But hey, thanks for driving home the point Schmu S Airlines - you're fantastic!!!!!

You Did What?! O.M.G.

The other night I was having dinner with some friends and we got to reminiscing about one friend's hysterical mishaps in life. She is the poster child for "Why does this happen to me?". One of my favorite stories goes like this:

She had to get a drug test for a new job she was starting. She was already running late when she realized she had to poop and, unfortunately, the testing facility was in an industrial part of town - there was nowhere to stop first. So she gets to the appointment and goes into the bathroom to pee in the cup. And without intending to, leaves a not-so-little bonus prize. Knowing she couldn't flush the toilet, she panicked and didn't know what to do. So she walked out of the bathroom and told the woman conducting the test, "Sorry, I guess my morning coffee kicked in."

Classic.

It's like watching a horror movie, waiting for the scary clown to jump out of the closet

I've really come to dread that split second of required mental preparation as I push open a public bathroom stall door. Because let's be honest - you really have no idea what you might encounter.

Testing. Testing, One Two. Is this thing on????

I would like to reiterate some extremely important points which were made previously in this blog.

1 - The only thing you should ever take into the bathroom is yourself. No food. No drinks. No Phone.

Let me repeat that - No Phone. Ever.

I'm feeling kinda feisty in my old age, and I just might make an example of someone the next time it happens. Watch out.

2 - The left lane is the fast lane. It's not up to you to set my speed in the left lane - let the cops take care of that. If I'm up your ass, just move over. Problem solved.

Bob Ross - Painter, Teacher, and Motivational Speaker

Let's Pretend We're in the Witness Protection Program

I firmly believe that anonymity in the bathroom is essential. Here's why:

Let's say I'm in there and someone else is a couple stalls down, doing what can only be described as nuclear weapons testing. While I'm battling my stage fright and horror, that person heads to the sink. As she's washing her hands, someone she knows walks in and says "Hi Betty, how are you?" Not only have I been scarred for life, now I know who to thank for that. I will never look at Betty the same. Ever.

I would rather no exchange at all, but if you must acknowledge someone, keep it at "Hi." Or wave.

Parents Say the Darndest Things

I acknowledge that I will likely offend some people with this post, so if you're a parent that talks about your child incessantly, you may want to stop reading right now.

I don't have kids yet, so admittedly I can't relate to the immense pride parents have in their kid(s). But I do know the feeling of being a co-worker to people who are genuinely incapable of talking about anything except their children.

Unless you're a close friend, I gotta tell you I sincerely do not care about your kids, your personal life, your marriage woes, your kid's marriage woes, or what you did over the weekend. And I'm not sure why you think I do care, because I DIDN'T ASK YOU. Nope, you just volunteered your entire life story and I have no choice but to listen to you ramble on about Junior's struggles in school and the detailed conversations you've had about it with his teachers, guidance counselors, pastor, and dog.

Here's what baffles me the most - when you're rambling on incessantly about your daughter's boyfriend's family issues and I'm looking at my computer screen and furiously typing, I'm not sure how you think that I'm even the tiniest bit interested. What about that says "Yes, tell me more!"?

To all of the over-sharers out there: please do not mistake my obligatory feigned interest for genuine must-have-every-little-morsel-of-information interest. I promise you, it really is impossible for me to care less. 

No Ass Pie

I realize that air freshener is sometimes necessary. And in the past two decades there have been definite improvements in the air freshener industry. What I don't understand, though, is why some of the most popular scents are associated with food: Apple Orchard, Spicy Cinnamon, Harvest Pumpkin, Tart Tangerine, Apple Pie...  Who was the genius that had an epiphany one day and said "Eureka! I know how to cover up the smell of shit - I shall make the bathroom smell like apple strudel and cinnamon rolls!!"? I just don't get it. The last thing I want is to smell apple pie and immediately think of the shitter.