I ♥ Public Transportation

http://www.buzzfeed.com/copyranter/meanwhile-on-the-subway

I once heard a story about a friend who threw up in her purse on the subway. Kinda bummed that it didn't make this list.

Never Ever Shake a Co-Worker

It's tempting, though.

And there are days (like today) where I'm weighing the options - punch someone in the mouth to get them to shut up, or close my door and do nothing.

I know that physical violence is frowned upon by HR. But it can be extremely effective. Just like Duct Tape.

Глобальное господство

People in Russia read this blog. I also have readers in Alaska. Who knew?

Two steps closer to global domination.

Oh No She Didn't!!!

Someone recently told me about a uniquely horrifying experience she had and I just have to share because it's so unbelievable. This is what happened:

She was in the bathroom at work, headed to the sink. There was a woman in another stall having, shall we say, "issues". And in order to mask the noise of said "issues", the woman started singing gospel songs.

I have several thoughts on this.

First - WTF?

Second - Why didn't she just employ the courtesy flush?

Third - Can you really sing and shit at the same time? I should probably be impressed with such a talent, but honestly I'm just mortified.

Fourth - What is the appropriate protocol in that situation? Run like hell? Pretend nothing is happening? Sing along?

Fifth -  Wouldn't beatboxing or some kind of rap music be more effective at disguising that?

Sixth - Would Jesus be offended that you used gospel music in such a disgraceful way?

Schmu S Airlines - Grab Your Knot!!!

In May 2012 I wrote about a promotional offer I received from an airline, where I was turned down from redeeming that offer because I was single. That was almost a year ago.

In the mail yesterday I received an urgent letter from said airline - reminding me to redeem the promo and get my 2 free tickets.

Seeing as I'm still single, that could be a little difficult. But hey, thanks for driving home the point Schmu S Airlines - you're fantastic!!!!!

You Did What?! O.M.G.

The other night I was having dinner with some friends and we got to reminiscing about one friend's hysterical mishaps in life. She is the poster child for "Why does this happen to me?". One of my favorite stories goes like this:

She had to get a drug test for a new job she was starting. She was already running late when she realized she had to poop and, unfortunately, the testing facility was in an industrial part of town - there was nowhere to stop first. So she gets to the appointment and goes into the bathroom to pee in the cup. And without intending to, leaves a not-so-little bonus prize. Knowing she couldn't flush the toilet, she panicked and didn't know what to do. So she walked out of the bathroom and told the woman conducting the test, "Sorry, I guess my morning coffee kicked in."

Classic.

It's like watching a horror movie, waiting for the scary clown to jump out of the closet

I've really come to dread that split second of required mental preparation as I push open a public bathroom stall door. Because let's be honest - you really have no idea what you might encounter.

Testing. Testing, One Two. Is this thing on????

I would like to reiterate some extremely important points which were made previously in this blog.

1 - The only thing you should ever take into the bathroom is yourself. No food. No drinks. No Phone.

Let me repeat that - No Phone. Ever.

I'm feeling kinda feisty in my old age, and I just might make an example of someone the next time it happens. Watch out.

2 - The left lane is the fast lane. It's not up to you to set my speed in the left lane - let the cops take care of that. If I'm up your ass, just move over. Problem solved.

Bob Ross - Painter, Teacher, and Motivational Speaker

Let's Pretend We're in the Witness Protection Program

I firmly believe that anonymity in the bathroom is essential. Here's why:

Let's say I'm in there and someone else is a couple stalls down, doing what can only be described as nuclear weapons testing. While I'm battling my stage fright and horror, that person heads to the sink. As she's washing her hands, someone she knows walks in and says "Hi Betty, how are you?" Not only have I been scarred for life, now I know who to thank for that. I will never look at Betty the same. Ever.

I would rather no exchange at all, but if you must acknowledge someone, keep it at "Hi." Or wave.